


Don't Learn From Pornos

by ShyChangling



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Aphobia, No Smut, Pre Chorus, Referenced Child Soldiers, Sex Repulsion, but frankly the implied child abuse tag could still work too, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-12 14:05:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15341448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyChangling/pseuds/ShyChangling
Summary: There was once a time so long ago, Felix was not the confident person he shows himself to be.He's a frightened storm. And he'll be damned if you pity him for it.





	1. Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy. This is a very personal piece, venting out some of my own hang ups I used to have. I don't know how heavy this seems from someone else's perspective so please do not go into this expecting a funny ship fic. I project alot of my negative stuff onto Felix I admit.

Felix sits alone in his room rummaging through boxes. The light in his room is dim but he can see the written letters on the chip cases just fine. He's door slightly ajar as he believes Locus isn't home.

Shoving in a video chip into the driver, Felix sits back with a mental notepad. Life outside of war was different and he wanted to catch up on how it was supposed to be. He wanted to be sure he fit in just fine. He would not be left behind again socially like he was in the army. He had plans and needed a boost on social rules and loopholes.

So when ever Locus was out of the apartments, Felix would look into material. He'd take what he'd learn and apply it life outside. He was able to bullshit a personality pretty well this way, make false personas for a situation. No one was the wiser and it was pleasing to know. Even when Locus had found him watching something it was easy for Felix to simply state that he enjoyed the series. He was certain there was no way Locus could figure out he was a social introverted mess.

Though since Locus was gone shopping he'd be out longer. Giving Felix a chance to look at different things and social expectations. Felix had a lot of hang ups on sex. He had tried twice with little success and chickened out with Locus plenty of times. It drove him nuts, sex shouldn't be as scary as Felix's mind made it out to be. It was no less a social bonding moment then anything else Felix had bullshit through.

He sits on his bed, bored watching the repeated scenarios. Of course he wasn't stupid though, he realized alot of things in these were far fetched. But no one could be invested in something sexual if there wasn't a plot of some kind to it. He'd be even more bored if they skipped right to the sex. Though it still never gave him much chance to be invested in the characters. But if other people could jump into a porn like this it should be something easier to do.

He lays on his back now, mocking the sounds of the rented porno. Trying to figure out why it seemed so easy on the tv when he still flubbed on even asking. But its never directly asked in the videos he watched, so maybe its something else. He felt like a broken mess, he wanted to get passed this. He could feel his body at least reacting to the audio and visual stimuli. But he felt so bored with the characters and situation. Felix quickly sits up and turns off the video. A different one then. Maybe that was the issue.

He switches out the chip with a different one. He already feels abit of panic in his stomach, he beats it down. Felix wished this wasn't such a difficulty to figure out. Sex was everywhere in media, it shouldn't be such an issue getting to things. He's in his 20s he should be in sexual prime.

Felix stands by the tv just a moment longer, debating on whether he should simply give up for the day. He shuts off the tv, removes the chip putting it back in its case and leaves his room. He needs something to drink, ignore everything and just pretend you're normal. Locus would be home anyway soon.

And like that he hears shuffling and cabinets opened in the kitchen. Felix freezes. Locus must of recently gotten home while the chips where still playing. The tv too loud to hear the apartment door open. Felix feels nauseous. Fake through it, if Locus asks just be crude. Play it off.

Felix casually goes into the kitchen. He sees soda on the table and goes right for it. Opening the box and pulling out a can. 

"You could help," Locus notes as Felix sits by the table. He turns slightly, he watches Felix fidget his leg. Something was up, though concerning the noises from the bedroom he figures Felix is simply embarrassed.

Felix downs his drink. Shrugging ever so slightly. Legging shaking more and Felix picks at his hair. Plan failing now he just looks guilty.

Closing the cabinet Locus turns back over to face him. "Turn the tv down next time." Address the issue up front, they are lucky the walls are thick between apartments.

Felix grips into his hair. Locus sighs walking over to him. "Does it really bother you so much that I heard it?"

Felix lets go of his hair and sets his hand in his lap. "Course not," save face. Don't let him pity you over this. You're a fucking adult god damnit. "Just porn," blunt to throw him off. "You weren't home so I thought I'd have fun."

Locus picks up the soda case. He won't pry, though he wishes Felix was more open with him on these things. They can work out that issue with their sex life. He wasn't bothered that Felix couldn't get through it. Perhaps though, he'd need to be the first to ask about their issues. Felix would act like nothing was wrong and they'd repeat by the next time they try anything.

It was the same with all of Felix's issues. Locus had noticed the pattern. Go out, party, come home a mess and he'd spend the next few days locked up in his room depressed, repeat the next week. There would likely need to be some kind of intervention. Felix obviously would ignore the issue and play coy over it all. Locus was willing to ignore it too if it was not for the night Felix went into a depressional state so awful he tried to burn his hair off. 

He takes a deep breath. "I am here if you need to talk," Locus was uncertain how to start that conversation. He was uncertain if it was appropriate to talk over something like that because sex issues and porn is what started the conversation.

Felix sits there, nervous. He watches Locus' face. He takes a deep breath. Maybe he should drop his act for once. Locus is giving him a moment to speak. And he does love to speak and have attention all on himself. "Its normal right?"

There's a pause. "I would assume so," Locus is sure what Felix means. The panic in sex. Locus wonders if he should continue stacking things away. Make the conversation seem casual, but would that make him seem disinterested despite his words?

"I'm attractive, right?" Felix's can crinkles in his hands. Stressfully wrapped around it.

"That's a jump in topic."

"Don't ignore it, answer me. I'm attractive, right? You're attracted to me?"

Locus thinks Felix is trying to shift some kind of blame. But its uncertain unless he answers. See where Felix is going with this. "I find you attractive yes."

"Then why don't you ever instigate things? Why don't you ask for it first and not me jumping around implying it?" Felix holds an anger out of his voice. He's not sure what he's angry over but he feels like he needs to be angry or he'll cry instead.

There's a moment where Locus doesn't speak. "Its not something I need, so I don't ask for it," he finally says. "You don't seem to like it much anyway."

"I do!" Felix scowls. "I just have hang ups. I mean I like the foreplay so I have to like the rest of sex. I just.." he trails of speaking. For once he can't think of words to say. He's angry and tongue tied. "I just need to be forced to finish," the words finally fall out.

Locus feels as if he's stopped breathing. "Do you even hear yourself?"

"Its just how it is right? You do things to get used to them. Its no different then killing," Felix crosses his arms but he doesn't look Locus's way. 

"Isaac," Locus scowls. He was hoping Felix would come to accept that side of himself but seems he'll have to say it first. "Sex repulsion is nothing to be ashamed of."

Felix covers his ears. "Shut up, I'm not repulsed. I told you I like foreplay remember!" He nearly shouts it at him.

"Don't turn this into an argument," Locus demands. He's not sure what to do with this information. "I will not fight you over sex you think you need. I think it is best you take time to research this. You might find it helps." He won't hold his breath. He will expect the cycle again. "If foreplay is all we ever do so be it."

Felix is a storm and very rarely does he calm. He glares and takes a breath of anger. At himself, at his asexuality, at Locus. But he shuts up there's nothing else for this conversation less it circles around.


	2. Self Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix sulks in his room. Angry upset. But the tv plays something to calm him and he has time to reflect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so turns out yes. I did finally write a chapter two. Again I don't know how this personal vent piece reads outside my perspective so tread with caution.

Felix didn't understand why Locus was being difficult. All he wanted was for Locus to put him in a situation he couldn't back out of. That's reasonable right? That's how its shown on the Tv. Though of course its not as ridiculous as some of the situation movies as shows produce. He's not an idiot.

He claims anyway.

He locks himself in his room, flicking his phone on and off. Its not like he hasn't been cornered to do things he didn't want to do. The Spartan project was filled with children who didn't want to kill but were forced to to as such to survive. There was an older soldier on Felix's old squad who showed him the ropes and many other tricks.

Yes Felix was determined to get back everything he was robed of from the project. He couldn't get his family, they had long since mourned their child's death. It was fruitless to go to them and introduce yourself as the child long since dead and buried.

Robbed of a proper childhood. Of growth. He didn't grow properly like the other trainees, he kept small so he became an easy target for the other kids to pick on and take out their own issues. He'd of loved to of torn open their faces for the scars they left him in all their forms.

He crinkles his face laying on his bed letting the tv play out a horror movie. Noise to keep calm by. Strange how maiming and death kept him calm. Another thing he put blame on the war.

He sits up. He feels there is something deeply wrong with himself. Stemming far back into his childhood. He refused to see anyone for this though. There's no way anyone could understand such a thing. To understand all the trauma and horror he's seen. He's done or had done to him.

Is that why he's asexual? The trauma of it all? Is that why he recoiled when strangers touched him or why he'd run away when the flirting got too intense at a bar. 

He's mostly never recoiled when it was Locus who'd touch him. Grab a shoulder, or hold him, lay in his lap while he stimmed with Felix's hair. Locus must what can fix this. But Locus won't do shit about it. He won't pin him down to the bed and he moves away when Felix shows sudden discomfort. Why was it so difficult!

Felix feels wet drops out of his eyes. "Fuck off," he tells himself and wipes them on his shirt. "Don't be a child." 

There's a moment he thinks he's looking at this all wrong. Locus told him to look into things, looking into sex repulsion. But Felix will never say it but he's scared to find more like himself. To find out this wasn't an easy fix. Maybe this is Locus' way of helping and Felix in his selfish nature didn't notice.

He cries harder and throws his pillow across the room. God he's an idiot. He looks at his phone, information right in his hands. And a fear he denies he has to simply look.

He crawls up farther onto his bed. Hunched over and types up on his phone. Just give Locus' advice a chance. Do what he asks of you, he just wants to help. Felix reads.

He reads for an hour. He hates it at first. The answers he finds, touch and even sex repulsion being normal with trauma. Felix had tried to ignore it for years. It really seemed like that was the true source of all his problems. The trauma. 

The other question now. Would he be different without the trauma? Was the asexuality a by product of that, or would he always of been asexual? It says its okay if you weren't always like that. That even if its not a permanent state and it changes later its fine.

Even repulsion can change. 

Felix quickly shuts off his phone. He can't read any more. Its too much too fast. Too many labels too many definitions, too many people telling him its okay and normal, like him in some way or another. To grow out or to forever stay. To latch onto them. To even hate yourself.

Felix swallows and his throat feels sore from crying. Its painful. To think about any of this.

He hugs his knees and watches the tv play over the main menu. The movie must of ended while he was reading. He needs something comforting, so he hits play again on the remote. He doesn't know what to think on any of this.

His storm is a calm for the moment at least. The rain drizzling in his heart and thoughts. But the winds have stopped and for now. Felix seems to want to understand better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is considered hurt and comfort but. Here we are. More of Felix dealing with his asexuality.  
> This chapter actually made me cry cause well, digging up alot of old feelings about myself.  
> If I ever do a third chapter hopefully it'll be softer still. 
> 
> Sorry this chapter is much shorter but it was really hard to write. So I thought to keep it short.

**Author's Note:**

> Still ace myself, but not much on the sex repulsion anymore. I've projected alot of that onto Felix in alot of my projects. Who knows I may pick up this topic again and write something happier with Felix's asexuality and coming to terms with what sex means to him.


End file.
